Just 'aving a laff
Possibly the best come-back ever!
A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
Later, after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him:
'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?'
The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches it's all brand new.'
Doesn't pay to be too cocky!
The American Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
Apparently, it tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know.
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.'
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.' I replied,' Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems. 'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try these on.'
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don' t fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike.
She said, 'Here - you try on mine.'
He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
Philosophy to remember... 'Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, or a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos - what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said 'Tenpin'
I said, 'No, it's permanent.'
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW?'
He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today and it said on the packet ''Best Before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue?'
I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle?'
The bloke said 'Kenwood.' I said, 'Where is he, then?'
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags.
He's bisatchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.'
He said, 'You've got cholera.'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
It's P something T something R.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on, and on, and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?'
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'
He said, 'I know, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a long, thin piece of paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I can't promise anything.
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?'
He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says 'Audi!'
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.'
He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo.'
He said 'You're closest.'
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off the road and into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened.
I said 'I careered off the road.'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was caught stealing things in the supermarket the other day while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
'Eurostar.'
I said 'Well, I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin.'
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, 'How flexible are you?'
I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?'
He said, 'He's not your type.'
I said 'Well, can I borrow Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.'
Knocking this on the head for now, have a good sun day! 
Capitalism and monopoly – a means to an endgame?
I’ve always bemoaned behemoths such as Tesco for killing off the local shopping parades where you once could find a butcher, a baker, a greengrocer, a small grocery store and a newsagents. ‘Capitalism leads to more choice’ I used to hear from Tory voices on TV, ‘better service' and 'competition drives standards up’. Well, competition when keeping up with the latest techno gadgets certainly keeps them churning out ever more enticing resource-gobbling goodies, but as far as choice and better service goes, I think we’ve all experienced the truth of that.
Where I live, on the edge of a typical urban town, we used to have a newspaper delivery. That was until Tesco took over the local ‘corner shop’ (itself part of a smaller but nearly as ubiquitous name-changing chain). Tesco would not be doing newspaper deliveries. We found a true local corner shop but soon that closed, they could never compete with the low prices Tesco force suppliers to accept. Luckily, we found our local evening paper had its own delivery team. All well and good, except Sundays.
Until recently my partner would go to a nearby garage for his Sunday paper. This has now closed and whilst Tesco, who bought it, redevelop it into another of their ‘corner shops’, we have had to go to another Tesco a small distance away. Well that’s no big deal really, unless you have an aversion to Tesco - it’s only till the more-local Tesco is up and running after all. Well, the big deal is this. Last weekend The Sunday Times bale from the Tesco a small distance away was burnt in an underpass so I had to go to the next nearest shop, another name-change chain. As expected, everyone else had gone there too, so they were sold out. I finally found one in the next borough, in a Co-Op. Now I like Co-Op because it’s a pretty ethical store, but it’s a drive away so ecologically not sensible, but I’m glad I was pushed that way. Recently I heard a comment attributed to Tesco saying their smaller stores were no dearer than the larger stores. Well if that’s the case, I wouldn’t want to shop at their larger stores!! Stopping to get some butter, I found Lurpak Light Spreadable was £2.50 in Tesco, and only £2.15 in Co-Op. It’s bad enough they kill off all competition in the area so you have to drive 10 minutes just to buy your groceries using petrol you can only find now in a supermarket petrol station, but to have to pay 35p more for a basic food item if you don’t want to drive, some choice.
… best not start thinking about the abolition of the10p tax band and Tesco using part-time below threshold workers so not paying employers national insurance for them whilst the welfare sector and national health service pick up the pieces once they're unable to work any longer...A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a 50 pence piece.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking and
shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the money to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?
"No," the woman replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue"
I read a story in yesterday’s Daily Mirror about a student being charged what appears to be excessive bank charges. The figures involved were so ludicrous I’m not going to put them here in case there’s more to it, but it led me to wonder how they get away with it, why there isn’t a law against a practice that appears to be nothing short of extortion. Then I wondered why they do it, and it came to mind, it’s a way of pushing people onto credit, backwards. They grossly inflate the debt, then set you up with a loan to repay themselves immediately, with the added bonus of a guaranteed income for years to come, possibly topped up with a little questionable added insurance - keeps the shares nice. And I wondered – why do we let them get away with it, and what came to mind was this. We have long been aware, or perhaps I should say assumed, governments do ‘mis-dealing’, we come to accept it as part of life, of governments, power corrupts, human nature, born of sin - and in case we think our governments should be better, there is the juxtaposition of rule in less democratic countries. So we are a nice accepting lot, so much so that these days even business can screw us openly. Talking of which
Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but
carries on with the conversation.'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go there' says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
I have recently been involved in a couple of discussions, one, with SeasideMan (see previous post) had me redefine my previous beliefs regarding the existence of God. The other, a discussion concerning choice at http://poseidonposeidon.blog.co.uk/2008/04/27/value-of-regret-4099519#comments helped me define my perceptions so far. During this time it struck me, obvious though it is 
that until one becomes aware of the existence of something, whether by language or by witnessing, one is unable to include it in one’s considerations. I also noticed things I’d come across in previous years that I may or may not have appreciated at the time, now seemed obvious. However, my last comments regarding choice were removed from the post as my views differ from the blog-owner’s, so I’ve decided to post them here, in case anyone happens to find anything useful, or has anything to add or discuss.
!!! the last comment (4 paragraphs) is the main crux of it all. I won’t be about for a wee while, but will reply to comments, should there be any, when I get back. Thanks for reading so far.
If you believe all people should live in accord or with respect and regard for each other, emotions, caused by pain or any other trigger, need to be considered and controlled. If you choose to allow emotions to control how you behave toward others, you should realise you are choosing the consequences too, and can reasonably expect others to behave according to their emotions, but if you monitor your thoughts and consider why you should or shouldn’t behave in a certain way, even if it’s because it’s inopportune, you can take charge of your emotion and have more control of the situation and consequences, possibly allowing in time the pattern to become clear so you can come to understand why things happen. Pain is pain. It can be dealt with for the most part, it can be avoided to an extent, but how we are about things that are and how we deal with them and others is where we have the control, is how our ‘self’ is judged, and is what forms our future events. Living according to a ‘higher self’ enables one to ‘suffer’ less from pain and upsets, through a growing perception, understanding and acceptance of all and others. Reacting to events according to perceptions of the ego keep one ensnared in the repetitive cycle of emotionally driven thought.
Matter is sacred, existence holy.
We exist in many different states at many different times
but in whatever state we are, we still are, and with that that we are,
we choose, in a synchronously interconnected multi-dimensional reality,
with which we interact.
Question your thoughts, motives and behaviour.
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes."
Couple more from the Llandudno Victorian Weekend
Not the most comfortable of rides by the look of it, no seatbelts or CD player either, not my cup of tea. Don't these make you appreciate what we have now?
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